The Fear of Love

                                         

During my freshman year in high school, I met a young man by the name of Chang Yang. I didn't get to know him from school. I met him at a friend's birthday party. He was sixteen years old and I was fourteen years old. We were young and immature.

I saw him as he was walking through the front door with his friends to the party. They were nice looking and it seemed fun to know them. I spotted him as he had a great smile on his face and was attractive. Initially, I was reluctant to approach him but I summoned my courage and asked him for his name. We got to know each other and hung out together throughout the birthday party.

Through our conversations, I found out that we had a lot in common and we also shared the same interests. At the end of the party, we exchanged phone numbers. The following day, he called me and we talked for hours. I fell in love with his sweet and beautiful voice instantly. We continued conversing over the phone for about four months before deciding to meet up for a date. We arranged to meet at the park near the river.

After meeting up, we talked endlessly for what seemed like hours until we had nothing more to say. We sat in silence and stared at the water. I still remember the scenario as if it was yesterday as he took my hand and looked me in the eyes and asked me if I would be willing to give my heart to him. I was completely stunned at the question. I knew I love him and wanted to be with him but I was too young to understand love and I felt that I'm not ready for love yet.
Hence, I said honestly, "I'm not ready."
His face of happiness turned to sadness and he stopped talking. He dropped my hand from his and walked away from me. I didn't know what to do so I followed him and joked about us.
I told him, "There’s nothing to lose if you don't receive love back from the one person you love.”
Gosh! I was so stupid. He never called me back and neither did I. I felt that I did nothing wrong because I told him what I thought and felt.

Days passed. The days turned into weeks and the weeks into months. It was a year later when I next saw him again at the Hmong New Year in Fresno. I was a sophomore that year. I went up to him and greeted him. He said hi and smiled back. I didn't know if he forgave me for what happened a year ago but he asked me to take a walk with him. As we walked, we started chatting about the past. He talked about his senior year in high school and I talked about mine. The day went by quickly even though it seemed like I only spent a couple of hours with him. I couldn't believe how fast the time passed and that he's finally talking to me again. At the end of it, we hugged and bade each other goodbye. He told me that he will be leaving Fresno for San Jose the following day as he had moved to San Jose in the past year. I was disappointed and sad that I won't be able to see him. He promised to call me and we communicated mainly through phone calls.

We took turns to call each other and my feelings for him grew. Deep within my heart, I knew that he loves me and I love him. We weren't dating but we were best friends. He'll say something to make me laugh whenever I was stressed or troubled because he knew that laughing always made me forget about my problems. We continued talking over the phone for three more years.

Soon, I was in the first year of college and he was in his third year. Throughout the years, we talked over the phone very often but we hadn't seen each other since that last day of Hmong New Year. My feelings for him became very strong and I love him so much that the thought of losing him kills me inside.

One night, I couldn't hold it anymore and decided that I had to let him know. I called him and he picked up the phone.
"Hello?”
“Oh hi, how's your day?"
"It's okay. I'm just catching up on my homework."
“Why?”
“I’ve been staying up late.”
I wanted to tell him how I felt about him but my fear started kicking in. I was afraid that he might not feel the same for me because of what happened five years ago. Hence, I backed out.

Three months later, he called and asked if he can visit me as he would be in town for a while. He came over and we went out to watch a movie together. Later that night, he asked me how I felt about him and if I love him. I was scared to let him know how I felt about him and so I said that I had no feelings for him. He didn't speak a word as he drove me home in silence.

He left a note for me before leaving for home the following day.

To my one and only beloved,

Do you know how much I love you? Do you know how much you mean to me? I care so much for you that every night before I go to bed, I pray to heavenly father to protect you and let you know that I will always be by your side to hold and protect you.

I fell in love with you the first time we met. You were so pretty and had a great personality. Even though we weren't able to build a relationship, we had a great friendship. I couldn't ask for more. Although I wanted us to be more than just best friends, I know you won't let us.

There are times when I felt that you love me deeply and there are times when I felt that you just wanted me as your friend. Either way, I will always love you and be there for you. Please remember that I am here to hold and protect you when you are troubled. I want you to remember that you're the only one I love and cherish. There's no other girl who can take your place in my heart. I love you until the end of my life.

Your Love,
Chang Yang

I couldn't control my tears as they streamed down my cheeks continuously until my eyes started burning. I tried to call him but his roommate said that he wasn’t home yet. I figured it would take him awhile to get home so I decide to call him the following day and tell him that I love him.

The phone rang for forever the following day when I tried calling him again. When his roommate finally picked up, he told me something crucifying. Chang Yang was involved in an accident on his way home as he was drink driving. When I heard what the roommate said, my heart stopped and I couldn't breathe at all. At that moment, it felt as if my life was sapped out of me.

It's been two years now and I am still unable to get over it. It’s like losing a part of yourself when you lose someone that you love and were so close to. I finally know that when you love someone, don't wait till tomorrow to let them know because tomorrow is not a promise. I don't think I could ever love anyone again. He was everything to me. He was my best friend, lover and soul.

I love you, Chang Yang wherever you are and will continue to love you until we meet again. No other guy can take your place in my heart. I love you forever.

For those who are reading my tragic story, please don't do what I did. Remember to let them know when you love someone or else it will be too late. Never let your fear take over because it will take away your joy and happiness away. Don't learn it the hard way as I did. It hurts a lot. I regret not saying those three words earlier. He's never going to know my true feelings. Good luck to all lovers out there. Love deeply and let each other know how you feel about one another.

By BeautifulBao